W/we're Moving!!

i've started a new blog titled "a slave's perspective".(http://www.aslavesperspective.blogspot.com) 

In short i simply could not locate any of the login name or password data to continue this blog. 

The more that i think about it, it's probably better to start over on the blog as i could have a new Master/Owner soon. 

See Y/you over there. 

I'm Back!!

Not sure if anyone still reads this after my last post but I don't care anymore.

I'm going to reactivate this blog as a way to express my feelings and get some things off my chest that I need to let go.

It's been fifteen days since I left his house.

We haven't spoken since.

I sent him a text when I arrived the day of my move back saying that I was "home safe" before blocking him on every possible way of contact except email, such as on my cellphone, Facebook, Yahoo Instant Messenger, etc.

I'm angry.

I'm grateful too.

But I'm angry.

I'm grateful of the financial commitment he had to bettering my life. It was several thousands of dollars just shy of three months. I can't thank him enough for doing this for me.

But on the other hand, I'm angry.

When he told me it was over, I told him I wanted to go home as soon as possible. I told him I'd need "X" amount of dollars to get home and he told me he didn't have his personal account. So I had to wait until Thursday, at the earliest, before I'd be able to leave after he dumped me on Monday night. He was transferring funds from another bank and that was going to take a couple of days to post. Thursday morning arrives, the transfer hadn't posted, and he was going to pull "X" amount of dollars out of his personal account so I could get home.

He let me sit and stew for three days because he said he didn't have the money to get me home. I was blindsided and devastated for three days, sitting in the apartment, bagging what clothes I had left as we donated a royal shit ton of stuff to Goodwill because we had a small apartment, didn't do anything but clean up after myself around the apartment, didn't do his laundry or dishes, didn't go to the gym, just sat there for those days to do nothing but plan an unexpected trip home.

I'm not playing the role of the victim. I'm just shocked how it all ended.

I mean at the end of December he gave me a big vase of roses and told me he loved me?

Things weren't what we talked about they would be, and I was okay with that, and I told him that several times. But what we had wasn't what it appeared to be? He told me he loved me often.

And he just gave up and said "its not you, its me"? Really?

Our Sundays, his hospitalization, the blizzard coming home, everything we had built in such a short time?

This is a guy that dated the wrong guy for four years just to be with someone and I was cut loose just that quick and you're not giving me the real reason why?

C'mon.

I'm going to provide updates with my life since. There's been a trip to Florida and a lot of really good things and some not so good things.

But I'm going to keep this blog going.

I need to move on from this...

So Long, Farewell

i realize i haven't posted much in the past couple of weeks as there really hasn't been much reason to do so.

Master just dropped a bombshell on me in that He does not want to have a live in slave so my collar has been removed and i'll be moving back home shortly.

Thank You for Y/your readership over the past few months

slave chance

In My Head

i've been on an emotional roller coaster much of this past week. i've experienced some violent mood swings and while i haven't spoken to Master about it, He knows something is going on but doesn't know what. 

Last night, Saturday night, i was in a low, a deep deep low, and Master knew something was going on but i refused to talk about it. He was watching one of His science fiction shows and i was on the floor playing poker online. Usually when He watches something that i'm not particularly fond of, i do my thing, He does His, and it works. i will fetch His dessert during commercials or refill His tea so i'm still taking care of His needs, i'm just not actively watching the television. 

Last night He interrupted the down time during the TV show, which is something He doesn't usually do. i communicated that i was in a tournament and He knows that those can consume about an hour of my time, or the length of this particular TV show. He didn't seem to care what i was involved in, He wanted a need to be met. He was completely in the right. i recognize that. I abruptly ended my game when i was in first place, to focus on Him and because i didn't put my phone down right away, even though i communicated what i was doing, He no longer wanted my attention, and that put me in a real funk. 

i ended my game to serve Him, placing His needs before my own, and not only did i forfeit my game but i also did not receive the attention i thought i was getting. 

i shutdowned myself for the rest of the night. i was angry and incredibly annoyed with these events BUT i knew it'd be wrong and completely inappropriate for me take these feelings out on Master . 

Three months ago today, Sunday, was my breakdown. i'd like to think that i've moved on for the most part from the events that occurred on November 2nd, 2013. i don't dwell on those events anymore and I've stopped posting on FB about my feelings all the time. i have yet to make it one month panic attack free and that's a pretty big milestone for people with depression and anxiety disorders. 

There is a guy i was dating in the fall prior to the breakdown who had a similar breakdown but doesn't have the depression that i get. His breakdown was well over a year ago and despite seeing a therapist once a week along with the multiple prescriptions, He still has yet to overcome the one month mark. 

For me, November was a washout as it takes a few weeks for the meds to get in your blood stream. i moved Novrmber 30 arriving Dec 1 and had a major attack on December 4th. Christmas was a battle within myself but Master kept me occupied so i didn't dwell too much on it. His surgery was on Jan 4 and i had an attack that day. And here we are almost a month later and i can feel the pressure and the stress building.

Three months later, i'm much more in tune with my mental health than i ever was before. i am able to recognize the warning signs of an attack and the feelings that are associated with that. But i also feel like i don't yet have the ability to rid myself of the anger or stress to completely subdue the warning signs of an attack. As i lay here in bed typing this out at 4:16am, my heart is racing, I'm taking a lot of deep breathes and i feel this mounting "pressure" in my head. i have no logical reason to feel this way. i am essentially a stay at home wife for now or a houseboy, however you want to call it. 

On Master's workdays, i get up twenty minutes after Him, prepare His coffee and cereal, see Him off to work, and climb back into bed for another two to four hours of sleep. i don't set an alarm and sleep until i'm not tired anymore, get up, eat, go to the gym, do my chores, do my job searching, get caught up on TV, prepare dinner, etc. None of this should be stressing me the fuck out. 

Master is constantly telling me to "get out of your head" which means to stop thinking so much. It's hard not to think about things when you spend so much time alone. 

i received my first job offer on Saturday so Saturday night i should've been riding a high but i wasn't. i'm stuck in this rut and i'm hoping Sunday with Master pulls me out of it . 

Judgement Values

Last night i received my third punishment and was later told it was only punishment number two. Master and i spoke about it a bit and He corrected me and told me that He had only given me two punishment rapings.

Several years ago, an employer had me take the Myers-Briggs personality survey. i don't remember what my type was but the one glaring thing the survey concluded about me is that i can admit when i'm wrong, but, if i know deep down that i'm right, i'll go back and find the evidence and then bury the person with the facts.

i need to tread lightly here... i've actually had two previous punishments as documented in the December 18th post "Ouchies" and the December 25th post "Double Feature". After last night's punishment, i should be down to four.

Not sure how this is going to go when Master comes home. i know He checks the blog everyday and wonder how this will go over. Maybe He'll decide that He is still right and that the punishment count stands at five? That's His prerogative. He's in charge.

Judgement values are another unique element to O/our own relationship. i was previously trained by others that slaves are always in the wrong, even if they are technically right, slaves are always in the wrong.

This isn't the case with Master and i. When i'm right, Master will say so. This has taken some getting use to as it is now a mentality that i'm use to. i'm also not use to having my Master apologize to me when He feels He has wronged me.

Different relationships have different dynamics. My Master has different perspectives on how Master/slave relationships work and i'm very grateful to be serving a Man who recognizes that O/our relationship is a two way street.

The Weekend

Sunday has come and gone and that means another wonderful day spent with Master.

Saturday night W/we went out bar hopping and hit a couple of the other gay bars in town. W/we went to Greg's and felt it was some place W/we could hang out again. W/we've been told that Greg's is a Bear bar but there was a mixed crowd in terms of the gay animal labels.

After Greg's, W/we hit Talbott Street. Master paid cover and W/we didn't stay very long. There was a lot of vagina there and the crowd seemed to be mostly under the age of 25. W/we left Talbott Street and went to the Five, where W/we have hung out before.

Nothing really to report there.

Sunday morning W/we tried a crepe place close to O/our apartment. W/we had "meal" crepes for breakfast and they were just "okay". The dessert crepe W/we had was really good!

Afterwards W/we went out and explored areas of the city that W/we have no previously explored. W/we drove by the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and explored The Westside a bit. W/we traveled down the Interstate a ways and wound up at an Outlet Center about forty-five minutes outside of town.

Bummed around there for a bit before heading back to Indy.

i was allowed to hit the local cigar shop though i went there alone. Master stayed home to read and eventually dozed off on the couch.

Upon my return, W/we went to Ted's Montana Grill and had an excellent meal. i had been to a Ted's before and Master had not. Master stated earlier in the day that there aren't too many restaurants that W/we both enjoy. Usually one of U/us will appreciate an establishment much more than the other. However, this wasn't the case with Ted's.

Master ordered for me as He sometimes does. He took my advice and ordered a round of onion rings and W/we both had bison burgers. Everything was great!!

W/we came home and watched O/our new obsession: Cutthroat Kitchen.

W/we went to bed at a decent hour.

Master started to slowly caress my body as i started to drift off to La La Land. i guess i became aroused and Master took care of that arousal and even allowed me to orgasm!! Talk about topping off the day with a, err, cherry!

It's Electric

Last night prior to going to bed Master and i kissed and as O/our noses touched an electric spark was created. 

Symbolism at its finest.