There were a few things that irked Him last night, none of which were previously mentioned to me, and pointed out in a condescending tone.
i didn't take it personally until Master said i was looking out for my own needs instead of His... and that really hurt my feelings. i was then accused of laughing at Him in the middle of the night when He put ear plugs in because i snore loudly.
i would never disrespect Master by laughing at Him for doing something that benefits me, Master allowing me to sleep in His bed every night. i realize how lucky i am to be allowed to share a bed with Him. my previous Masters locked me in a steel cage in Their basement to sleep every night. Master was so convinced that i was laughing at Him i felt like He was accusing me of lying to Him.
i got home early from a meeting i attended last night, douched, showered, and climbed into bed. i had laid out the blankets i use on the floor, as i'm not allowed on any furniture except the bed, just as i've done every night for the past three weeks, and out of no where it's an issue?!?!
there were some other minor cleanliness of the apartment issues that i had failed to notice and i take full responsibility for that. it would've been appreciated, however, if these issues were mentioned previously and not until it all bottled up at once. Master had casually mentioned a few tips for household cleanliness on Wednesday night and He wasn't condescending about it at all.
apparently, i also can be "hostile" at times and i subsequently mentioned in a very sarcastic tone that had i been allowed to orgasm in the past three weeks, i may have a different outlook on things. And then i was told "maybe you should go find a boyfriend who will let you cum".
So much for this relationship being a two way street? Me sucking Him off, getting fucked, and licking toes has been the majority of the sexual activity between U/us. Master has asked me what He can do for me to have my sexual needs be met aside from having an orgasm? And i reiterated that i love being in bondage for the sake of being bound, being degraded/humiliated and there has been very little of any of that. He's dumped 14 loads into me and i haven't had permission to orgasm once, does it really surprise A/anyone that i beat my cock until i was shooting blanks and then some last weekend? i had NEVER taken a raw load anally until my first day here. What else do i have to do to have my basic sexual needs met?
W/we spent weeks talking about different scenarios and situations and very little of that has come to fruition. How it was drawn up and what it really is are two different things. For example, during the aftercare following the punishment the other night, Master was asking me questions and i was answering His questions formally by replying "yes Master" or "no Master" and He asked me why i was being formal and i stated "because i feel like it's the right thing to do following a punishment." Master then told me that i didn't have to always call Him Master.
i love, care, respect and trust Master. This morning isn't a deal breaker or the end of a short lived Master/slave relationship. it's a bump in the road. W/we'll get through this and be better for it. Master took a chance on me moving here, knowing my poor work history, knowing what my monthly expenses are and that i have no income currently... i feel so incredibly indebted to Him. my feelings are hurting right now because i'm letting Him down.
i'm also frustrated in that i spend so much time in this apartment alone. i've being going to the gym in O/our building just about everyday. Master usually gives me a list of things to do during the day and the list doesn't usually take more than an hour or so to complete. most days i go back to bed after i get Him off to work, sleep until whenever i wake up (usually between 12-2pm), fuck around on Facebook for a bit, go to the gym then start my chores and make dinner.
i agreed to come here to serve Master because my life was unmanageable. i couldn't hold a job despite having a degree, my finances are a mess, i was living with my parents, and oh yeah, i was on the verge of jumping off a bridge 50 days ago. In these past three weeks, Master has rebuilt my self-esteem. i just wish He'd provide me with more structure, more direction, and utilize me as the slave W/we both want me to become. i am so grateful for the opportunity He's given me and i hope i can learn to serve Him better.
Master has done a lot of nice things for me since i've been here. There have been a number of great meals together at restaurants that i typically could not afford, He's purchased some sexy new undergarments for me, and He's even sat through a couple of cigars and a football game. i don't want to come across as an unappreciative lazy fuck, i just want Master to know how much i care about His wants and needs. i want to be a part of His life as His slave and His property. And i'm willing to be retrained to make that dream become a reality. i hope Master understands that i want to make this work. i'm not giving up on Him and i hope He hasn't given up on me.
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